1. I love Starbucks.
Specifically, Starbucks in Target, so I can sip an iced-low-fat-pumpkin-spice-latte-no-whip while purchasing unnecessary kchotchkes for my home. I can also dabble in some plain jane pike's peak hot coffee action, but it’s warm nine out of twelve months here in sunny SoCal, okay? (Extra basic white bitchiness for say “SoCal” instead of Southern California, especially since I’m not from here).
2. I love leggings/yoga pants/Victoria’s Secret
Do I subconsciously recognize that Victoria’s Secret is bad for my psyche, objectifies women, and encourages me to look smokin’ hot even when I’m asleep which is completely unrealistic, especially with my retainer and acne spot treatments? Ummm yes. Do I care? Not enough to stop taking advantage of their 7 for $28 panty sale. And I know yoga pants and leggings make my butt look good, which makes men look at it, which makes me SO ANGRY but they’re comfy as fuck okay?
3. I say acronyms as if they are words.
Omg, lol, tbh, et cetera. I say them. As if “lol” is a word. What is wrong with me? All my friends also do this, blurring the lines between text-speak and real-speak so smoothly that cause our middle-aged colleagues to raise their eyebrows profoundly, scratch at their ears as if they may be clogged, and mutter crustily, “Did she really just say ‘lol?’”
4. I have a highly active Pinterest account
I love Pinterest; the multitude of bad recipes, the perfectly designed homes, the sickening wedding displays and expensive outfits that would never look good on me. Ever recipe I've pilfered from Pinterest absolutely sucks. My favorite worst recipe is called “Two Ingredient Pancakes,” and they are a shame. The ingredients include: bananas and eggs. Who ever thought that would taste good? It’s like a soggy banana omelet that doesn't know if it should be crepe or egg.
The best recipe I’ve ever found on Pinterest was a recipe from Chocolate Covered Katie for Chocolate Banana Bread. But then, Pinterest redirected me to her website and I had a moment of panic that went something like this:
“Babe, I want to make ALL THE FOODS,” I shouted to Chase, who was probably trimming his fingernails into the toilet. Why do people do this?
“What?!” he said, slightly exasperated because he was in the other room and therefore could not hear me, much less know what I was talking about.
“I found a blogger named Chocolate Covered Katie and I want to make ALL HER FOODS!” I screamed back, and I’m the first to admit that my scream is not winning any awards for beauty.
“What the HELL are you talking about?!” Chase exclaimed, walking out of the bathroom with only two of his fingernails fully clipped and a very annoyed look on his face.
“I’m going to make ALL THE FOODS! I found a food blogger named—”
“That’s fine,” Chase interrupts, “that’s great! Just let me have two seconds of uninterrupted bathroom time, would you?” he walks back into the bathroom, where his phone is loudly playing a sports-ish podcast, which probably didn’t help the whole hearing-each-other-thing.
5. Buzzfeed is like, the most amazing resource? For figuring out my like, life path.
I, Sarah Rose, solemnly swear on my pet guinea pigs' grave that I do love a good Buzzfeed quiz. I have never, however, had a pet guinea pig, and don’t really believe that an internet quiz can guess my zodiac sign by the clothes I choose. By the way, I’m an Aquarius and the quiz guessed Cancer or Capricorn, and I don’t even know what that means because I’m extremely self-involved and only read my own horoscope. Sometimes, when I’m feeling charitable, I also read Chase’s.
According to Urban Dictionary, emojis are very basic-white-bitchy. But how else could I possibly convey my humor, if not through the winky face? How else could I blow someone a virtual kiss or really illustrate that I’m drinking wine without the little wine glass? Emojis are not basic-white-bitchy. Hatred for emojis is like hating Beyoncé, because she’s too popular, or hating normal-temperature yoga because it’s not hot enough or hating trendy fashion trends because they're too damn trendy. If you need to be so vocal about people or things that bother you, the problem is probably you.
Baths are extremely basic, according to Urban Dictionary, as are Bath and Body Works products, particularly anything scented: Twilight Woods, Japanese Cherry Blossom, and Sweet Pea. Excuse me, Urban Dictionary, but I beg to differ. Baths are fucking amazing, and frankly, hygiene in any form should be applauded. As far as Bath and Body Works goes, I will proudly stand in line each December to take full advantage of their $8.00 candle sale. No shame, no pain, no gain.
Basic white bitches know what we like: autumn, Nike shoes, North Face jackets, Target bikinis, Vera Bradley wallets, Instagram, the color pink, wine and paint nights, and saying YAASSSS when anyone says anything we even remotely agree with.