Hello all you beautiful humans! It’s recently come to my attention that bananas are extremely controversial. There are two types of people who care very deeply about this basic fruit: the dedicated fruitarians, who consume 30 bananas a day in the name of optimum health and cognitive function, and the low-carb paleo-ketogenic-fat-burners who believe bananas cause weight gain and contain abominable amounts of sugar.
Can we all calmly agree that gorging on bananas (or anything) is just as stupid as eliminating them completely? Let’s take a gander at some facts, shall we?
One medium (6-8 inch) banana contains 110 calories, 30 grams of carbohydrates and 1 gram of protein. Bananas are naturally free of fat, cholesterol, and sodium. In addition, a single banana contains 3 grams of fiber, 9 milligrams of Vitamin C, 450 milligrams of Potassium, and a host of other minerals, including Vitamin B6, Magnesium, Folate, and Vitamin A.
Bananas are grown in at least 107 countries and are ranked fourth among the world's food crops in monetary value. Americans consume more bananas than apples and oranges combined—which is not to say that bananas are contributing to America’s “obesity epidemic,” but rather that bananas are more widely available. They’re in gas stations and newspaper stands for God’s sake. Oranges are harder to peel, apples feel dirtier and are harder to eat; bananas are the ultimate convenience fruit. Even though bananas are America’s most popular fruit, you can rest assured that many bananas end up in the trash, what with American’s wasting more than a third of our food each year.
People love bananas: frozen bananas, banana bread, bananas foster, banana cream pie, banana runts, banana laffy taffy, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. We’re a divided nation when it comes to this fruit, and not only regarding its health benefits. Some people like their bananas green, some like them perfectly yellow, others like them brown and dalmatian spotted. We are very passionate about our banana preferences. I once broke up with a guy because he likes his bananas green, and I like mine brown. It was an enormous red flag.
I’m here to make a very crucial PSA, which is: calm the fuck down about bananas. Now go do what pure, red-blooded Americans do best and waste some money on unnecessary banana-inspired tchotchkes. Thank you and you’re welcome.
This clever banana door stopper will instantly liven up your home or office, for the low-low cost of only $11.94 (available on Amazon and in select tourist shops across the pacific northwest.) This is the perfect way to finally institute that “open-door policy” your boss always runs on about, short from taking the doors off their hinges or burning down the office entirely. Don’t be an arsonist, buy the banana door stopper!
This trashy banana patch will instantly reduce the value of any piece of clothing. For less than $4.00, you can make your outfit appear more youthful, while simultaneously making you look older and entirely out of touch. This patch is perfect for human or animal clothing, and will one day be a collector’s item (probably).
If you think Halloween is a satanic, devil-worshiping holiday meant to inaugurate children into the world of witchcraft and the dark web, this costume is for you! Dressing your child as a banana has never been easier, or looked more phallic. It’s 100% polyester, so it will never wrinkle or shrink, unlike the other phallic thing I just casually referenced.
This fun, cheeky pillow will illustrate to all your house guests that bananas are not to be messed with. There are nine designs to choose from, including a banana-lady, a birthday-banana, and a scary-monkey-banana. The low cost of this pillow ($3.99, not including shipping and handling) is directly correlated with its quality. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
This banana-nut-bread candle smells just like grandmummy’s infamous banana bread—a recipe that included two full sticks of butter and enough sugar to feed 8 million ants, but who’s counting calories here? The label of this candle says, “Smell My Nuts,” so you may want to put it away if your preacher is coming over, for the safety of your eternal life, and your young son.
This uplifting book is perfect for the Curios George lover in your life, or your local bus driver. Full of pictures of the monkey you love, partnered with deeply intellectual advice, such as, “Take time to smell the roses (or eat a banana).” It just doesn’t get any more inspirational than this.
Do you love America? If you do, you’re sure to love this adorable night light! It’s the perfect stocking stuffer for the unabashed fraidy cat in your life. This night light will conjure up fond memories of your time at summer camp, when those fascist counselors made you pee in an outhouse in the middle of the night and you dropped your flashlight in the poop chute. Ahhhh nostalgia.
This “retro” t-shirt reminds you of the exact ingredients you’re always forgetting to add to your Corn Flakes. Thank God someone had the wherewithal to create such a useful, stylish piece of clothing. Suitable for both formal and informal events, this t-shirt will quickly become your go-to item for all of life’s weird, wacky adventures.
May you always remain a shameless consumer.