Historically, my favorite thing about Valentines Day is the seasonal pink, red, and white M&M's. The white one just always taste better, if only because they are a novelty. I think most breathing humans can agree that Valentine's Day is a bit overworn; a bright pink and red pinata heart full of chocolate/flowers/teddy bears that nobody wants but everyone buys. In the middle of dull, gray February, the holiday is either an annoyance or a welcome distraction, depending on your disposition. I cannot deny that it is nice to feel loved, but the grotesque, commercialized obliqueness of the day has become a bit much. I was planning to wax poetical about the history of Valentines Day, the hidden meanings or mysteries surrounding Saint Valentine, the rise of modern day greeting cards, and the unintentional beauty of it all, but I don't feel like it.
A few years back, one corporate giant became unbearably irksome, so I wrote a poem to them in retaliation for their 85,336 emails instructing me to buy skimpy red lingerie, complete with feathers and a matching bathrobe. (FYI, this poem is in my book, Surviving 23, available HERE).
Dear Ms. Victoria,
you can be so sly,
convince me to buy pretty things to impress my man
say it's best to convey a sense of mystery
I find it mysterious
that you ask me to pay $80 for lingerie
that probably cost 10 cents to make
I have drawers full of thongs and push-up bras
I've only worn once, Victoria
you make being sexy a one-and-done thing
you tricky broad
those twice-a-day emails buzzing my phone
semi-annual panty sale!
buy one, get one, get a free tote bag!
as if my ass is incomplete without that signature VS
just for you, Victoria
did you decorate your store to make me especially
aware of my pudgy place? you
make me question my dinner
say no to desert for the rest of my life
so I can look sexy at night
in uncomfortable bras that only fit right
on child-sized mannequins, you know
polyester lace is the worst fabric for lingerie
and these 32B's don't need to pretend to be double D's
besides, studies show it's best to sleep naked
so this Valentine's Day, I don't need you
I've got my skin
and he loves how warm and inviting it is
he'll kiss every inch of this imperfection
and I will be beautiful
without you, Victoria
P.S. Read about Feminism on Valentines Day HERE and don't write me back about it.