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(Anti)-Valentine's Day Poem

Historically, my favorite thing about Valentines Day is the seasonal pink, red, and white M&M's. The white one just always taste better, if only because they are a novelty. I think most breathing humans can agree that Valentine's Day is a bit overworn; a bright pink and red pinata heart full of chocolate/flowers/teddy bears that nobody wants but everyone buys. In the middle of dull, gray February, the holiday is either an annoyance or a welcome distraction, depending on your disposition. I cannot deny that it is nice to feel loved, but the grotesque, commercialized obliqueness of the day has become a bit much. I was planning to wax poetical about the history of Valentines Day, the hidden meanings or mysteries surrounding Saint Valentine, the rise of modern day greeting cards, and the unintentional beauty of it all, but I don't feel like it.

A few years back, one corporate giant became unbearably irksome, so I wrote a poem to them in retaliation for their 85,336 emails instructing me to buy skimpy red lingerie, complete with feathers and a matching bathrobe. (FYI, this poem is in my book, Surviving 23, available HERE).

Dear Ms. Victoria,

you can be so sly,

convince me to buy pretty things to impress my man

say it's best to convey a sense of mystery

I find it mysterious

that you ask me to pay $80 for lingerie

that probably cost 10 cents to make

I have drawers full of thongs and push-up bras

I've only worn once, Victoria

you make being sexy a one-and-done thing

you tricky broad

those twice-a-day emails buzzing my phone

semi-annual panty sale!

buy one, get one, get a free tote bag!


as if my ass is incomplete without that signature VS

just for you, Victoria

did you decorate your store to make me especially

aware of my pudgy place? you

make me question my dinner

say no to desert for the rest of my life

so I can look sexy at night

in uncomfortable bras that only fit right

on child-sized mannequins, you know

polyester lace is the worst fabric for lingerie

and these 32B's don't need to pretend to be double D's

besides, studies show it's best to sleep naked

so this Valentine's Day, I don't need you

I've got my skin

and he loves how warm and inviting it is

he'll kiss every inch of this imperfection

and I will be beautiful

without you, Victoria

P.S. Read about Feminism on Valentines Day HERE and don't write me back about it.


Sarah Rose

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