[Listen to an audio version of this blog HERE.]
From Hotpads: an apartment on the beach that's only $5,400 a month. Fuck you, HotPads
From an account called "Greg" with the subject line PLEASE SCHEDULE YOUR APPOINTMENT.
Greg is one of those book publishers who requires payment for a shoddy paper back oF yOuR oWn WoRdS. He's gross, and currently lives in the spam folder.
From Chase Home Lending: Now could be a good time to buy your first-or next-home! Except I can't afford a home here, Chase, I can only afford half of one apartment and bottom shelf liquor.
From Society19: Rise and shine with these beauty tips!
Isn't brushing my teeth enough? Why do I need a 12 step morning beauty routine, a 90 step bedtime routine, and a mid-day dose of pore-size shaming?
From Terminix: Get Your FREE Terminix Pest Control Estimate Now!
How does Terminix have my email? I'm a renter too, shouldn't they be emailing my landlord? What kinds of pests are common for people to experience in homes? After a quick Google search: carpenter ants, bed bugs, weevils, mice and/or rats, termites, spiders, or more generally: "insects." In less-than-stellar-news, my darling cat killed a mouse in my apartment recently, so Terminix was just ahead of the curve.
From Texas Campgrounds: Book Your Summer Vacation at a Texas Campground today!
Texas is desperate for visitors. I don't want to go to Texas. Or, maybe I do? It seems like a better place to sit through COVID-19 than California, what with our mask-mongers and Trump-thumpers and too-high taxes and homelessness-flux and exorbitant rent and fires everywhere. I clicked on this one. Maybe I'll move to Texas.
From Bumble: You're Buzzworthy! 57 Bees want to meet you!
I don't want to meet 57 anythings, much less 57 men, and I thought I deleted my Bumble?
From Greatist: "Why You Should Take Nude Selfies"
From The Food Network: 5-Star S'mores Blossom Cookies
S'mores don't seem to require a recipe. I don't know much about cooking, but I do know s'mores aren't....complex. Imagine being the person who has to write that recipe and try to make it interesting: 2 cardboard crackers, one squishy white sugar bulb and a square of Hersey's milk chocolate. Combined, it's a heart attack! Follow me for more idiot-proof recipes.
From Shape.com: The surprising way to boost your metabolism!
I click, because I'm a sucker and also a diet-obsessed American. Want to know the secret? Be-in-a-better-mood. Earth Shattering stuff. Apparently stress makes you fat. Don't believe me? take it up with Shape.
From Shutterstock: Download your free image of the week!
The free image, mind you, is of three teenage-ish white girls laughing at a beach. What I'd do with a photo of complete strangers laughing on the beach is beyond me. No thanks?
From someone named Melyssa Griffin: (why is that a y and not an i? already confused). She wants to know if I'm "at home in myself," which seems a bit obvious. Who else would be at home in me? I open her email to skim the self-help sameness and unsubscribe.
From Akash Karia: Tony Robins: here's what I learned after 10 hours.
Akash learned how to captivate an audience, sit up straight, and appreciate the little things. Aw, shucks.
From Media Bistro: "College professors & psychedelic writers wanted"
Those two things usually go hand-in-hand, yes? According to my email, a third of the U.S. workforce has a side-hustle, which either means our day jobs aren't paying enough or are boring as hell (or both?)
Hello Fresh: "Sarah, Your $80 HelloFresh voucher is waiting!"
I like that they used my first name, but meal kits make me wheezy. So much packaging. Such little time. So many steps. Such lackluster results. And how are there so many meal delivery services out there? Who's actually buying this shit?
Art.com: "T🦃This little birdie wants to know if you're ready for fall!🍂"
Ummm, no. I will be buying no hay bails and carving no pumpkins. I'm sure as hell not buying seasonal wall art in muted orange hues with schticky faux-inspirational phrases and a side of cross-stitching. Besides, I live in Southern California, where there are literally zero seasons.
From Free People: "Everyone has been talking about these!"
What are "these?" you might be wondering? "These" are exceptionally soft and outrageously expensive tank tops, suitable for working out, hanging out, sleeping out, skipping out, going out, coming out, you name it.
From the American Red Cross: "Disasters Don't Take a Break"
I'm not sure if you noticed, but the entire West Coast is on fire. Do some good and donate to help evacuees. You can donate online, by phone, by mail, or through Alexa. Stay safe everyone ❤️